Lust That Wanders

I am rather weary these days. I have no spunk in me. I feel as if I were a leaf floating around and by sheer luck I don’t seem to have been swallowed by deer prancing in the forest.

Home doesn’t ignite a sense of belonging these days. Well, it does make me come back to it after work, but I don’t feel attached to it. The conversation – now running in circles about the house, the rent, the headaches we are all going through – doesn’t evoke any interest in me. And I so want to be left alone even when I am bang in the middle of a conversation at the dinner table.

As I mentioned earlier, I did stop having sex a while ago. Now, that starvation and the fact that I feel rather lonely and disconnected quite strangely pulls me towards porn of all sorts. I watch straight porn, straight orgies, straight threesomes and homosexual gangbangs as well. Right now, in fact, as I write this, I am aroused thinking of the naked men and women I watched as I sat naked in my chair in my bedroom.

I am pressing my thighs together so as to help my member rise. Whew! I shouldn’t be doing this you know. Ideally, I should be all smiles and be happy that I have a job and a family around me.

Instead, the job and the family change my smiles into frowns and I feel so disheartened. What must I do? Should I turn to sex to feel desired and ingratiated? Should I take a sexual lover and make love to him as and when I feel the need to get naked and bite on a luscious pair of lips?

Or should I just control my lust that is an offshoot of my depressing loneliness and concentrate on reading and other such activities that I know I like to do?

Ah! Yes, I think I must do that. Write, read, write, read, perhaps sing, write, read, sing, and repeat all the three activities as often as I can.

For how else will I stop this rather dull disinterested yet steady wave of an addiction to sleaze from sweeping me away?

One Gone and The Other Remains

I feel so fed up these days. I don’t want to work. I don’t have a plan for the future. And I don’t even seem bothered about it. At times, thoughts do tend to make me worry about my being a bachelor as yet. But that’s just for a while and then they are gone.

I stopped sleeping around a month or so ago. Ever since then, I feel I miss the nakedness of a man next to me. I miss those lips that I would ravage when I slept nude with my lover in bed. But what I don’t miss is the dull stale feeling that would creep onto me after the sex.

The feeling was dull because I knew nothing will arise of this union of flesh. And it was stale because I had been through it so many times before. What’s even worse is that I would tend to get emotionally attached to the guy as I made love to him. That – my fellow brethren – is the worst aspect of having sex with no strings attached. The strings just grow out of thin air and tend to tie you down – especially if the guy is handsome and gentle and seduces you well.

Now saying that the men wanted nothing more than sex is stating the obvious. So I would inevitably feel like a wall of cement after the bout and get all depressed after the initial euphoria that follows sex.

After one such episode, I said to myself: “What good is it if you feel so horribly low once the man leaves you in bed like this? Might as well stop.”

And so I stopped. Yes, I watch porn – straight and gay – and yes, I masturbate to give vent to those feelings of lust and desire, but at the end of it all, I am saved the heinous feeling of uselessness that would haunt me were I to have sex with a man.

The feeling of loneliness – though – still persists.

Alone all over again

I suddenly get this feeling that I am all alone. There’s no one by my side. There’s not a person I can trust with the task of understanding me. And there’s no one I can relate to or relate with.

Mother will not see my point of view simply because she thinks it’s skewed.

Sister has gotten all frustrated with her life and now removes it in her interaction with me. She spoke to me as if I were dirt yesterday. I had only asked for her laptop to burn a DVD. Well, she did not want to lend it anyway. So she said yes yes in the evening and then around 11 in the night – just as I was transferring stuff onto her pen drive so that I could burn it through her laptop – she threw a tantrum.

I don’t mind the tantrum, really. But the manner in which she threw it, I felt so dirty – as if I should have begged of her but did not and she took pity on me and decided to lend it to me anyway.

So I threw a tantrum as well. I told her to go to hell with her laptop and that I don’t need it at all. Thereafter, Mother came into my room as I was shouting away. She told me to calm down. I told her to go sleep and get out of my room at once.

Mother wanted to pacify but I really was in no mood for that. So once she got out of my room, I locked it from the inside and began to cry. I hit the mattress with my fist. I called upon God and asked him whether is this going to be my darkest hour. I have no clue why this has happened to me. And I told him that as well.

Good God! That has left me so tired today. It makes me feel like leaving my body and heading off to a place in which I can be at peace with myself.

Again, last night, as I was crying and venting out my dissatisfaction with my life, I felt an urge to join the seminary. There were the hills that overlooked the playground of the college. It rose right in front of me. I could see the seminarians playing and immediately I felt as if I knew that view came to me because I stood on the ground floor of the main building of the college in one of its large corridors adjacent to the playground.

I could see the grass being trod upon by the football players. I could see the grey of the walls that gave birth to the corridor. And I could gaze into the dark depths of the end of the corridor at which I knew were a flight of steps to lead me to the first floor.

This vision – or shall I say figment of my imagination – stayed by my side all through the time I cried silently knowing not what else to do. A few minutes later, my spasms stopped and the vision evaporated into oblivion. I was tired and so, lay down and slept.

This morning has seen me no better than last night. My eyes are swollen and I can barely keep them open. Sigh! Why has this to happen to me? Why ever?

Just thinking.

I am thinking about the guy I met yesterday. Fellow’s sweet and sexy as I had said before. His voice is a little weird – I can’t place my finger on what exactly is weird about it but I know it’s a little weird. But I discount that, he is – frankly – damn sexy. Yes, so I’ll sleep with him for sure. And probably, spend my life with him too.

Good Lord! What am I saying? Well, it happens all the time. I like a guy and as I am talking to him, I have played out scenes from an entire relationship in my head. I see myself naked with him as he caresses my lips. I see myself straddling his hips as he moves onto me to make love to me. I see us spending time lying on the sofa just doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, really glad that we are in each other’s arms.

Whew, that is a lot of seeing! But well, yes, I see all of that!

I just hope it comes true. I WANT it to. For I need a man to love me and to be loved by me.

Sigh! It feels so alone to be single these days. The feeling just pulls me into a pit of boredom and sorrow….

Lonely is The Man

More often than not, loneliness pays me a visit. It flits by at times. At times, it comes and stays with me for a day or two. At times, it makes my life look bland by extending its stay by a month. However, once it’s gone, I do manage to get back to my routine with virtually no injuries whatsoever. Not that loneliness injures me when it’s with me. It’s just that I tend to not talk much and get all cold and quiet.

Yes, I have tried hard to shake off this acquaintance, but no, it will not leave me forever. Luckily, or let’s say by the grace of the One Above, I can weather its turbulent stay rather well these days.

Yet, I wish I had not known it at all.