Unto Thee I Lift up My Soul…

At times, I feel rather sexless – as if I don’t need sex at all. And some other time, there is this urge – not commanding in its nature, but persistent merely by its presence – to strip naked and play with my penis as I bring in a naked girl on the bed in my head…

Men I did try it with. But well, men don’t do it for me now. It’s the women that arouse me and make me gape at them, at their breasts, at their luscious curvy behinds…

You see this is supposed to be lust – and hence a sin of no small measure – according to the Catholic Church. And the Church insists on marrying if one burns in, and burns with,  such desires.

I don’t want to marry. I have slept with men and women usually  - at least the ones in India and the ones I know – will never be able to reconcile to the fact that their husband was a homosexual at some point in his past.

Now where does all this leave me? Rather what does all this leave me with? Well, I can always join the priesthood, but I don’t think myself worthy of that position: Serving the Lord needs absolute purity of heart and mind and soul. I cannot vouch for that kind of purity in my being.  I can always sleep around, but that again is a sin I want to get away from.

There’s masturbation: That too is a sin. Sigh! It’s tough being a Catholic. And strangely, that’s not deterring me from being one either.

I really don’t know how am I to deal with this explosion of conflicting priorities…

Perhaps, the Lord will help me sometime soon…

At Work and Fending off The Sexy Blue

What am I doing today? Let’s see: I am approving timesheets that have collected in my interface and have been lying there for more than a month.

I am also about to start with a new chapter in the Help file and oh! It makes me sigh and yet I am glad to have work. These days that is most reassuring.

Among other things, I hope to God that the lead writer from Canada doesn’t call today. If he does, I will have to sit back till 7:30 perhaps and so, miss my driving class. But then I don’t seem to mind sitting back once in a while. The Canadian lead writer is charming and so full of verve, it’s always a pleasure to talk to him. Do I have a crush on him? No. Well, probably I do. But I don’t think it’s one of those crushes that waylay your day-to-day activities and make you all mushy and muddled in the head. It’s just a pleasant nice feeling that makes me smile when he calls.

So, probably, I will have to sit back and he is sweet enough to wrap up the call in 30 minutes.

—

I noticed something yesternight as I switched the lights off and got into bed. I had cut down my intake of porn! Oh yes, I am not kidding. Believe you me, I haven’t surfed for the flesh in a while and that is quite an achievement. I had begun to worry whether I was becoming a porn addict. I would spend hours surfing porn and downloading full-length feature films with hardly a storyline and ample amount of naked flesh in every scene. Well, it did make me ecstatic, but you know once I was done with it, the ecstasy would crash onto the floor and a quick violent feeling of ennui would seize me.

Dealing with that was a big big headache and of course dealing with the actual headache that ensued after I had climaxed was even worse. There were times I wanted to skip work the next day after a bout of porn and masturbation. But only because these are tough times and the recession would have leapt in to take advantage of the situation, I would drag myself to office and pretend to be unwell to account for the glazed paralyzed look.

This happened so frequently, I myself was shocked at my behaviour and so, decided to do something about it. I tried – with all my might – to not go to xtube.com and xvideos.com and I put in a truckload of effort to concentrate on a book to fend off the urge.

Well, I will not say I am over it: That will be an outrageous lie. It’s just that I know I have it under control now. And it isn’t the bother it was until a few weeks ago. I just hope it remains this way. After all, I cannot afford to look perpetually spent. Besides, I need to earn to recover money spent as well.:)

One Gone and The Other Remains

I feel so fed up these days. I don’t want to work. I don’t have a plan for the future. And I don’t even seem bothered about it. At times, thoughts do tend to make me worry about my being a bachelor as yet. But that’s just for a while and then they are gone.

I stopped sleeping around a month or so ago. Ever since then, I feel I miss the nakedness of a man next to me. I miss those lips that I would ravage when I slept nude with my lover in bed. But what I don’t miss is the dull stale feeling that would creep onto me after the sex.

The feeling was dull because I knew nothing will arise of this union of flesh. And it was stale because I had been through it so many times before. What’s even worse is that I would tend to get emotionally attached to the guy as I made love to him. That – my fellow brethren – is the worst aspect of having sex with no strings attached. The strings just grow out of thin air and tend to tie you down – especially if the guy is handsome and gentle and seduces you well.

Now saying that the men wanted nothing more than sex is stating the obvious. So I would inevitably feel like a wall of cement after the bout and get all depressed after the initial euphoria that follows sex.

After one such episode, I said to myself: “What good is it if you feel so horribly low once the man leaves you in bed like this? Might as well stop.”

And so I stopped. Yes, I watch porn – straight and gay – and yes, I masturbate to give vent to those feelings of lust and desire, but at the end of it all, I am saved the heinous feeling of uselessness that would haunt me were I to have sex with a man.

The feeling of loneliness – though – still persists.

About sex, worries, tension, work

Good heavens! I am so miffed. I need some nice sex with a nice tender body. A body that lets me feels its skin and entwine my legs around its naked legs. I need to dig into a comely neck that will respond to each bite that I subject it to.

Whew! What am I talking about, really! Well yes, actually, I do need some sex. And it’s because I am a little tense. It’s always like that with me. If I am tensed up or worried, my sex drive spurts to an unusual level  and I have to relieve myself.

I did it just now. I went to the restroom and gratified myself. And now, I feel nice and relaxed. But I feel I lack the presence of a certain someone who would have made these bouts of tension and worry much less a bother to deal with.

Erotica

I came across this nice erotic video on a Web site yesterday. ‘Twas about two cute guys making love, then getting naked, and then indulging in erotic acts of lust and passion.

The guys were sexy too and I had to get an erection. I shut the door to my room then and stripped. I took my member in my hand and caressed it till I began to feel as ecstatic as ever.

The guys were now moaning and so lusty in their behaviour. I was in heat and so began to jerk my member till I myself began to moan. And just as they were kissing and feeling and biting each other’s nipples, I climaxed.

Strangely, once I was through with my ejaculation, I did not want to watch the video anymore. And a few seconds later, I did not even want to meet men either. Even more weird was the thought that followed next: that I did not want to have sex with men at all!

Well, this phase lasts for a while and then I get all sexed up again. But there must some reason why I feel what I feel after I watch porn. And for the life of me, I cannot pin that reason down.

I need to pin it down, really. I need to know why I feel that way. Only then that mist in my head dissipate and make way for a bright sunny day.