The Realization

I have been spending time in prayer this Lenten season. It’s been nice – the whole shift to prayer and restraint. After all, we all need to restrain ourselves at some or the other point in our lives. And we definitely need prayer.

I at least need it now at this point in my life. I realized – after I began to pray and spend some time in meditation – how meaningless all the porn and senseless sex I indulged in was. All of it suddenly took the form of a slab of concrete so dull in its appearance, I was wondering why ever did I deal with it in the first place.

I can say I have come full circle: From being spiritual to being gay to having mindless sex to discovering I am not gay to realizing I owe my existence to the Lord and He should be the rightful owner of my soul.

And so, these days, I spend as much time as I can rekindling the flame of the Lord in me – a flame that was ablaze a few years ago before I, or rather my reckless irresponsibility, began to make its existence difficult in me.

It now glows with a warmth I have never felt before. It nurtures in me the spirit of sanctity of mind and body. It has helped me overcome temptation in ways I never knew were that simple in their mannerism.

The flame of the Lord is a light to the soul indeed. It burns bright within me and warms my soul into a gentle understanding of a Being divine in Its persona and kind and loving in Its nature.

And I know that This Being is none other than The Lord Himself.

Truly, this Lent, I am close to Him than I ever was before…

The Lust of An Afternoon

It’s a lazy afternoon here. And I am thinking about Katie Morgan yet again. Katie and this oomphy babe known as Pamela Anderson. Pamela struck the world and me with her luscious curves that were shaped into her back in the form of a pair of delicious behinds. The moment she ran in Baywatch, several men – and me included – did not quite know what to do when her behind jigged from left to right and filled the television screen.

And then of course, the camera went up to settle on that oh-so-sexy pair of breasts. She had silicone in them – yes – but they suited her and many a times in my fantasies, I have had her in my bedroom next to me with those breasts nudging my hands… Such bliss, such satisfaction they did give. I wonder why she hasn’t done porn in the true sense of the word. I’d take a vacation for a week and watch her moan in bed…

Katie Morgan! Sigh! Those hips seduce your gaze into her behind. And from there, your eyes wander to her breasts – nice, proportionate and lusty breasts. These are breasts that ask to be suckled, to be made love to, to be bitten in ecstasy…

As for the navel, oh senora! It’s just a point from where I let my eyes travel down to her groin… (I have an erection as I am writing all this.) She must have been Aprodhite in mythical Greece. That vulva is one I’d love to grab, fondle, kiss, explore, suckle, thrust into…

Women! They never look so good!:)

At Work and Fending off The Sexy Blue

What am I doing today? Let’s see: I am approving timesheets that have collected in my interface and have been lying there for more than a month.

I am also about to start with a new chapter in the Help file and oh! It makes me sigh and yet I am glad to have work. These days that is most reassuring.

Among other things, I hope to God that the lead writer from Canada doesn’t call today. If he does, I will have to sit back till 7:30 perhaps and so, miss my driving class. But then I don’t seem to mind sitting back once in a while. The Canadian lead writer is charming and so full of verve, it’s always a pleasure to talk to him. Do I have a crush on him? No. Well, probably I do. But I don’t think it’s one of those crushes that waylay your day-to-day activities and make you all mushy and muddled in the head. It’s just a pleasant nice feeling that makes me smile when he calls.

So, probably, I will have to sit back and he is sweet enough to wrap up the call in 30 minutes.

—

I noticed something yesternight as I switched the lights off and got into bed. I had cut down my intake of porn! Oh yes, I am not kidding. Believe you me, I haven’t surfed for the flesh in a while and that is quite an achievement. I had begun to worry whether I was becoming a porn addict. I would spend hours surfing porn and downloading full-length feature films with hardly a storyline and ample amount of naked flesh in every scene. Well, it did make me ecstatic, but you know once I was done with it, the ecstasy would crash onto the floor and a quick violent feeling of ennui would seize me.

Dealing with that was a big big headache and of course dealing with the actual headache that ensued after I had climaxed was even worse. There were times I wanted to skip work the next day after a bout of porn and masturbation. But only because these are tough times and the recession would have leapt in to take advantage of the situation, I would drag myself to office and pretend to be unwell to account for the glazed paralyzed look.

This happened so frequently, I myself was shocked at my behaviour and so, decided to do something about it. I tried – with all my might – to not go to xtube.com and xvideos.com and I put in a truckload of effort to concentrate on a book to fend off the urge.

Well, I will not say I am over it: That will be an outrageous lie. It’s just that I know I have it under control now. And it isn’t the bother it was until a few weeks ago. I just hope it remains this way. After all, I cannot afford to look perpetually spent. Besides, I need to earn to recover money spent as well.:)

On an Afternooon of Spurious Pleasure

Well here I am again. It’s post lunch time and I have not much of a worry to bother about. The To-do list seems manageable and I doubt the boss will explode if I do not finish a thing or two.

I spent a whole afternoon yesterday watching porn. Well, it was porn of both types: gay and straight. On a lazy afternoon at home, I somehow always find myself ending up on xtube.com or gaytube.com or redtube.com or more recently, xvideos.com.

It’s rather easy to access such spurious pleasure online and all it takes is a click of a button and a hungry lusty appetite.

So, I landed up on xvideos.com this past Sunday. And oh! What a treat that Web site is. Erik Everhard performs with all his lust and sexuality in as many as seven or more videos uploaded in the straight section. And then there’s Pavel Novotny, Josh Weston, and several sexy hunks doing each other in the gay section.

Well, till the time I watched them fondle each other and feel every inch of naked skin, I was aroused. Yes, quite frankly, as the naked men and women felt each other and groped and licked and had sex, I was thrilled with my orgasm.

But once I was done, this familiar urge hit me to close the Web site at once. And so I did! It really seems stupid of me to behave so. After all, I was watching them gratifying each other and satisfying my voyeuristic behaviour as well. And it seemed quite selfish that I stopped their performances once I had climaxed and cleaned it all from my thighs and crotch.

Why? Why is it that I cut ties with lust and sexual acts so swiftly as if it were a crime to be associated with them? Probably – and this is what I think maybe the reason – it’s because ever since the time I can remember, sex has never been packed with approval into any of my conversations. It’s always this topic that has to be leered at and referred to indirectly.

Perhaps that may have built an impression of it being not right to be indulged in often. Yes, I know too much sex is not quite a recommendation for one’s well being, but you must know I hardly even have sex. So, I at least should allow myself to allow my eyes to accept the act and take it in and relish it.

Shunning it as if it were a barbarian about to ravage the land is not something I should be encouraging. Don’t you think so?

An Investigation

Oh jeez! I feel so wasted. And in the bargain, I think I need to re-think – umm not re-think. I think I need to take a good look at the friends I term as friends and throw some out of the window.

In other words, I need to overhaul my friends list.

You see I befriended people merely because at the time when I was to befriend people, I wanted to be nice and sweet and admired and loved by all.

Not anymore.

I did so much for them and did so many things because of them. Things that I would never have contemplated were they not to put them in my head. I had sex out of wedlock, I began to watch porn, I tried to find humour in crass lewd, third-rate films, and I forced myself to laugh at jokes that I never ever wanted to.

I did so much and what did they do for me? Well, some gave me a ear and a shoulder to cry on when my boyfriend ripped me apart and left. And that same set did make me reason out with myself whenever I quarreled with  my family. These I admit were and are true friends. And they are not the ones who encouraged sex out of wedlock nor introduced me to porn.

The other set – the one that just shut up and kept silent when I was awash with problems is the one I want out now. They are the ones who insist on being around only in happier times. They drink, smoke, leer, lech, and just because they read a few intellectual books term themselves liberated. I think that’s the most scandalous representation of liberty and that has been my opinion only lately. Earlier, I did – like a blind fool – think that all what they did constituted a ritual that freed an individual of restrictions conferred by society.

By George! What a fool I was to think so. The only reason they did all that they did was because they were addicted to being happy and did not want to confront the most intimate of feelings and emotions at all. They thought themselves (and they actually are) inept at handling all that and I was so blind, I did not see the obvious!

Anyway, at 30, I can see all that and more. And I don’t want to have anything to do with that pack at all.

I am better off with my books, my music, my movies, and the select few – my family including – who know me and want me in their lives for what I am.

Lust That Wanders

I am rather weary these days. I have no spunk in me. I feel as if I were a leaf floating around and by sheer luck I don’t seem to have been swallowed by deer prancing in the forest.

Home doesn’t ignite a sense of belonging these days. Well, it does make me come back to it after work, but I don’t feel attached to it. The conversation – now running in circles about the house, the rent, the headaches we are all going through – doesn’t evoke any interest in me. And I so want to be left alone even when I am bang in the middle of a conversation at the dinner table.

As I mentioned earlier, I did stop having sex a while ago. Now, that starvation and the fact that I feel rather lonely and disconnected quite strangely pulls me towards porn of all sorts. I watch straight porn, straight orgies, straight threesomes and homosexual gangbangs as well. Right now, in fact, as I write this, I am aroused thinking of the naked men and women I watched as I sat naked in my chair in my bedroom.

I am pressing my thighs together so as to help my member rise. Whew! I shouldn’t be doing this you know. Ideally, I should be all smiles and be happy that I have a job and a family around me.

Instead, the job and the family change my smiles into frowns and I feel so disheartened. What must I do? Should I turn to sex to feel desired and ingratiated? Should I take a sexual lover and make love to him as and when I feel the need to get naked and bite on a luscious pair of lips?

Or should I just control my lust that is an offshoot of my depressing loneliness and concentrate on reading and other such activities that I know I like to do?

Ah! Yes, I think I must do that. Write, read, write, read, perhaps sing, write, read, sing, and repeat all the three activities as often as I can.

For how else will I stop this rather dull disinterested yet steady wave of an addiction to sleaze from sweeping me away?

One Gone and The Other Remains

I feel so fed up these days. I don’t want to work. I don’t have a plan for the future. And I don’t even seem bothered about it. At times, thoughts do tend to make me worry about my being a bachelor as yet. But that’s just for a while and then they are gone.

I stopped sleeping around a month or so ago. Ever since then, I feel I miss the nakedness of a man next to me. I miss those lips that I would ravage when I slept nude with my lover in bed. But what I don’t miss is the dull stale feeling that would creep onto me after the sex.

The feeling was dull because I knew nothing will arise of this union of flesh. And it was stale because I had been through it so many times before. What’s even worse is that I would tend to get emotionally attached to the guy as I made love to him. That – my fellow brethren – is the worst aspect of having sex with no strings attached. The strings just grow out of thin air and tend to tie you down – especially if the guy is handsome and gentle and seduces you well.

Now saying that the men wanted nothing more than sex is stating the obvious. So I would inevitably feel like a wall of cement after the bout and get all depressed after the initial euphoria that follows sex.

After one such episode, I said to myself: “What good is it if you feel so horribly low once the man leaves you in bed like this? Might as well stop.”

And so I stopped. Yes, I watch porn – straight and gay – and yes, I masturbate to give vent to those feelings of lust and desire, but at the end of it all, I am saved the heinous feeling of uselessness that would haunt me were I to have sex with a man.

The feeling of loneliness – though – still persists.

My self

I was on the phone with an online acquaintance on Sunday and he asked me whether I was a sexual person.

I said no I am not. I try and avoid sex as far as possible. This is because I tend to mix sex with emotions.

It’s true that but as I put the phone down, I realized that in more ways than one, I am a sexual person.

For example, I watch a lot of porn. Secondly, I love to be in the nude. Thirdly, if I begin to like a guy, I like to spend my time with him naked.

I think all this does make me a sexual person. Well, yes, I do have that urge in me as yet. And I think I must not ignore it for if I do, I will be untrue to my own self.

Gloomy Sunday

Sundays tend to get boring these days. What do I do on a Sunday? Let’s see: I get up, go to Church, come back all exhausted for the Church is far away, watch a movie, sleep, surf, eat, and then it’s time to sleep and bother about work all over again.

Sometime ago, at least I would go out with this horrible man whom I dated. But now, since I realized how horrible he was and broke off, I don’t even step out except of course to attend Sunday Mass.

I tried to watch porn and feel good about it. But that lasts for only an hour or so – that feeling of being happy that is. After that, I’m back to square one.

Why why? Why am I so listles and bored? I so need an answer to that question.

And I so hope I find that answer sooner than the moment I decide to give everything up and head for the hills.

Erotica

I came across this nice erotic video on a Web site yesterday. ‘Twas about two cute guys making love, then getting naked, and then indulging in erotic acts of lust and passion.

The guys were sexy too and I had to get an erection. I shut the door to my room then and stripped. I took my member in my hand and caressed it till I began to feel as ecstatic as ever.

The guys were now moaning and so lusty in their behaviour. I was in heat and so began to jerk my member till I myself began to moan. And just as they were kissing and feeling and biting each other’s nipples, I climaxed.

Strangely, once I was through with my ejaculation, I did not want to watch the video anymore. And a few seconds later, I did not even want to meet men either. Even more weird was the thought that followed next: that I did not want to have sex with men at all!

Well, this phase lasts for a while and then I get all sexed up again. But there must some reason why I feel what I feel after I watch porn. And for the life of me, I cannot pin that reason down.

I need to pin it down, really. I need to know why I feel that way. Only then that mist in my head dissipate and make way for a bright sunny day.