Unto Thee I Lift up My Soul…

At times, I feel rather sexless – as if I don’t need sex at all. And some other time, there is this urge – not commanding in its nature, but persistent merely by its presence – to strip naked and play with my penis as I bring in a naked girl on the bed in my head…

Men I did try it with. But well, men don’t do it for me now. It’s the women that arouse me and make me gape at them, at their breasts, at their luscious curvy behinds…

You see this is supposed to be lust – and hence a sin of no small measure – according to the Catholic Church. And the Church insists on marrying if one burns in, and burns with,  such desires.

I don’t want to marry. I have slept with men and women usually  - at least the ones in India and the ones I know – will never be able to reconcile to the fact that their husband was a homosexual at some point in his past.

Now where does all this leave me? Rather what does all this leave me with? Well, I can always join the priesthood, but I don’t think myself worthy of that position: Serving the Lord needs absolute purity of heart and mind and soul. I cannot vouch for that kind of purity in my being.  I can always sleep around, but that again is a sin I want to get away from.

There’s masturbation: That too is a sin. Sigh! It’s tough being a Catholic. And strangely, that’s not deterring me from being one either.

I really don’t know how am I to deal with this explosion of conflicting priorities…

Perhaps, the Lord will help me sometime soon…

Not Working At All

Sigh! Don’t feel like working;

But then what’s new.

Feel like lazing around;

And that’s in every sinew.

Oh yes, I want to just laze around you know. I don’t want to do anything at all and yet I want to be paid for it all. Is there such an opportunity anywhere in this world? Were it to be, I doubt the one employed to fill that position ever has tendered in his or her resignation!

An Investigation

Oh jeez! I feel so wasted. And in the bargain, I think I need to re-think – umm not re-think. I think I need to take a good look at the friends I term as friends and throw some out of the window.

In other words, I need to overhaul my friends list.

You see I befriended people merely because at the time when I was to befriend people, I wanted to be nice and sweet and admired and loved by all.

Not anymore.

I did so much for them and did so many things because of them. Things that I would never have contemplated were they not to put them in my head. I had sex out of wedlock, I began to watch porn, I tried to find humour in crass lewd, third-rate films, and I forced myself to laugh at jokes that I never ever wanted to.

I did so much and what did they do for me? Well, some gave me a ear and a shoulder to cry on when my boyfriend ripped me apart and left. And that same set did make me reason out with myself whenever I quarreled with  my family. These I admit were and are true friends. And they are not the ones who encouraged sex out of wedlock nor introduced me to porn.

The other set – the one that just shut up and kept silent when I was awash with problems is the one I want out now. They are the ones who insist on being around only in happier times. They drink, smoke, leer, lech, and just because they read a few intellectual books term themselves liberated. I think that’s the most scandalous representation of liberty and that has been my opinion only lately. Earlier, I did – like a blind fool – think that all what they did constituted a ritual that freed an individual of restrictions conferred by society.

By George! What a fool I was to think so. The only reason they did all that they did was because they were addicted to being happy and did not want to confront the most intimate of feelings and emotions at all. They thought themselves (and they actually are) inept at handling all that and I was so blind, I did not see the obvious!

Anyway, at 30, I can see all that and more. And I don’t want to have anything to do with that pack at all.

I am better off with my books, my music, my movies, and the select few – my family including – who know me and want me in their lives for what I am.

Random musings

I was walking home the other day. I had got down at Sion circle and had crossed the road to take the lane opposite to the bus stop. I noticed the flyover had not changed appearance. It was as lame and dirty it was in the morning. The roads too felt stale and the buildings that stood alongside it made me feel jealous of their occupants. After all, I cannot afford those apartments therein and I feel miserable that inspite of such a fabulous salary, I cannot even contemplate buying one of those flats that were looking at me at that very moment.

Anyway, I walked and felt the heat and the humidity competing at getting me to curse them. As I did so, I noticed a woman in shades and looking very much like someone I knew in college. She came closer and I saw her breasts were small and tightly wrapped by the blouse she wore. And her jeans too had decided to cling to her thin thighs.

She came close, she looked around and passed me just as I passed her. It was then I realized who she looked like. She looked like Carolyn – the elegant shabbily dressed bitch I knew in college.

I had a crush on Carolyn. She had this lovely hair – all curled and positioned at just the right places around her neck and shoulders. So, when she walked in, a set of curls bounced away from her shoulders to make way for another set that was just next to it.

She also had a lovely voice. I remember it well. But the thing about her that I remember the most is the fact that she was a snob of the most spectacularly horrible variety. I tried to talk to her when we were both in the 11th standard, but that woman! Whew! She would reply in monosyllables. It was so humiliating and insulting. However, when she wanted stuff such as notes, journals, etc, she was a picture of sweetness.

I was young that time and quite quite naive. So I let it go. Of course, I did grumble and complain about her to people I considered my acquaintances then, but now, those acquaintances and that woman seem so stupid and not even worth knowing at all. I really feel a little stupid about the whole episode – about I letting myself be driven around by that squirrel of a woman and that bunch of idiots I termed my acquaintances.

Oh man! Thank God for something known as growing up! Or else, I’d never know what’s right and wrong!

Thought So Free…

I am bored. I am half willing to drop my pants and have sex. But I will not, all because I am in office. At times, I get this urge to just pick the first attractive stud I lay my eyes on and make out with him. But because I live in a society that advocates propriety of behaviour, I do not let myself get carried away by that thought.

What will it be like if I just let go of my inhibitions for one day and make out with several men? I’ll be exhausted for sure. I already feel exhausted as I think and write about it. Yes, the nakedness of all those men is tempting and I think I should be aroused. But I am not. My member is still asleep and doesn’t seem to show any signs of waking up right now.

So no, so much of sex – though fascinating – is not something that will captivate my senses forever.

Sigh! I am so so bored man! I could eat up the desktop and not bother I am ill-treating company property. Okay wait a second – why is it that I am this loose in my thoughts and seem to have no way of controlling them into anything fruitful?

Perhaps, it’s because I myself am free and bereft of any attachment. I am not married, nor am I dating anyone. So it’s easy to just wander around without bothering about the consequences.

Now this is a consequence I have to deal with ASAP. Or else, I will just sigh and shred into a thousand silvery strands of a silk sheet that once glittered and shined in the Sun.